Rev. Dan Polecheck - Universal Life Church Ministries - What Are You Unintentionally Communicating?

Last week at Sam's Club I saw a fellow talking to at his wife. The way he was doing it, I’m sure all she was hearing was “YOU’RE STUPID!” I heard enough to know that he either thought she should understand or it was something he believed he’s already explained several times. He was frustrated and she was feeling beat up. It was not a good thing for their marriage.

Before I continue, I need to confess that I have done this to my wife. In fact, I’ve done it this year. Now I could rightly claim my recent versions of this were not nearly as nasty as what I saw at Sam's Club, but less wrong and less unloving is still wrong and unloving.

I’ve thought about this a lot. I’m quicker to do this with my wife than I am with others. This despite the fact my wife is in no way stupid and I sometimes deal with folks who seem to be a bit clueless. Why do others so easily receive the grace I have a hard time extending to my wife? “Familiarity breeds contempt” is the easy answer, but it doesn’t really fit.

I think I expect my wife to know what I know and to think and reason as I do. When she doesn’t, I get frustrated and that shows in what I say and how I say it.

So one more difficult thing for me to wrestle with. Oh, joy!

Rev. Dan Polecheck - Universal Life Church Ministries - Give Her The Benefit Of The Second Thought

In Whew! That’s a stick not a snake! Christine Meinecke says “…humans’ first reactions are negative because the brain’s main function is self-preservation.” Sounds right to me; assuming a stick is a snake until proven to be a stick is certainly going to lead to a longer life than assuming a snake is a stick until it bites you.

However, this self-preservation strategy can easily cause problems if it functions unchecked in our marriages. If you regularly make negative assumptions about your wife’s words or actions, you will hurt her and damage your relationship. Even if her past actions give you cause to assume the worst, doing so is saying you don’t think she can change.

Learn to do the second take, and the second thought, quickly. If it still looks negative, but you can’t be sure, take a chance. Be willing to get hurt on occasion knowing that in doing so you are giving her a vote of confidence. I’m not saying be stupid and put yourself in a place of great risk, but be ready to take a hit to show her that you think she can and will do better.

Rewv. Dan Polecheck - Universal Lifw Church Ministries - This is What Growing Up Looks Like

My wife and I had a little tiff a few weeks ago and I thought she overeacted a little bit. What I found interesting was how I reacted vs. how I would have in the past.

• Early in our marriage, I would have gotten upset at her. I would have felt accused and wronged. And my reaction would have made things worse.

• Later in our marriage, I would have realised that while I may have triggered what she did, her reaction was very much her issue as it was based on injuries from her past.

• This time I realised her past was a factor, but I went on to ask myself if I’d done something unloving or stupid that made it worse. (And I decided I had.)

This is what growing up looks like. (I just wish I’d gotten here decades sooner!)